The Rut

I'm stuck in this rut, right, but with no idea how to break it. I've tried to write some scenes for the book, but I can't do it. I'm trying to think of things to do, but unless it's free or comes with a cooked meal, I don't want to know!! I'm hungry all the time, depressed all the time and we're fighting over nothing every five minutes. I can't take it anymore, I want it to go back to the way it was: no fighting, taking turns to cook, making love more often. I miss being in halls because it was easy. No bills, no landlord and no god damn R & S. I'm sick of the influence they've had, it's their fault we fight because we get the brunt of all their crap.
If I had a job, none of this would bother me. I'd have somewhere to go and would be tired so I'd have a reason to be moody and depressed. Plus I'd have money, and not having that causes tension too, because we want and need stuff but can't always afford it. It isn't fair on me or M because I want us to have the best, and then the same for our kids, grandkids and whoever else follws! I'm trying to write the book and get it published so I could make money on it. No luck yet, though. But I'll keep trying, hoping. It's what I'm good at.

Today, I am low, so very low.

From my title, I guess you know how I'm feeling. I had chocolate and that didn't work. I cleaned the kitchen, that didn't work either. I think sex might help but I'm not in the mood. I owe too much money to too many people. The "Credit Crunch" is killing me slowly, demoralising me quite quickly, and no-one can help me. I need a lot of money to pay off landlord, parents, catch up with bills, and I need to eat at some point too!!
I got a spam mail from some Born-Again Christian, offering me a cut of £2.5million if I believed in God. I don't. Not her God anyway, but it was tempting. Then I looked up debt advice online, and realised that I can do this. I can beat it, get passed it. I have thought about different ways to get out of debt, but none have been helpful. I even contemplated suicide because it would get me out of this mess. But then I'd lose Matt, the cats, our future. Everything. If I keep going, get help, I can be debt free in no time, providing I get a job. That's what bugs me. I need a job but no-one wants me. It drags me right down, knowing that they can employ me and save me but no-one cares.
I can do any job if I put my mind to it. Maybe not a driving job, unless they can teach me and get me a license (fingers crossed in false hope...)! I can type, I can use a phone, I can even get a coffee order if I'll get paid for it! Every day the problem gets bigger, and I feel smaller as I can do nothing but wait for a job to come along. It's depressing, it's shameful and it's killing me. Someone help me, please, before I drown.

Holiday in The Sun

Just been listening to Sex Pistols song about holidays and it made me wanna go somewhere really nice! My boyfriend and I have always said we want to travel before we sprog up, and now is not the best time but a girl can window shop, can't she?
Just found a gorgeous hotel in Wollongong, Australia as I'm jealous as he's been, like, everywhere and the furthest I've been is France! So unfair!!
(http://www.wutravel.com/hotels/australia/wollongong?a_aid=2ab2a366)
Anyway, I'm dying to know how much it is but then I'll be going in and browsing rather than staying at the window, where I should be...!
I'm sat in the living room now with a cuppa, looking at the sun, wishing I was a million miles form here. I don't sunbathe, but if someone offered to take us to somewhere hot and sunny, I'd do it. I'd burn, but I'd be happy as the proverbial Larry, lying in the sun, nice and warm, cocktail to hand and a good book in front of me. Yeah, it'd be worth it!
Suzi
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Hi, world. Any jobs going? Can I have one?

Okay, so I'm hardworking, dedicated, motivated, skilled in most things, and willing and able (so long as I don't have to travel too far!!) to do most jobs. So why don't I get any offers? I'm a limited resource, all you need to do is train me a little and I'll work a lot! I can type (hence the blog), I can use a telephone (even before you've told me what to say) and I'm polite to people I meet in person. I keep a diary (it's often empty but nonetheless) so I can keep one for you, it's not hard!
I have experience of working in an office from when I was about 7 or8 years old. Mum used to work in a busy office and I used to help on teacher training days and school hloidays. Once I turned 10, I'd be allowed to type documents, answer phones, show people the books we had in, use the franking machine and do other office stuff. I AM CAPABLE!!! Give me a job? Someone? Anyone? I can do it and, if I need help, I'll ask (but I won't bother the big bosses with it!)
If I can't get a job soon, it may have to be the dole and I don't want that. Not just because it's too cliched but because, well, I'm better than that. Until I'm flat broke, I'll keep trying to find work but that cloud is getting closer. Dole clouds, ugh. The stuff of nightmares!!
Suzi
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